My Quest Journey: Freedom ( A Pinball Wizard)
What a RUSH. What a fucking unbelievable rush the RELEASE is ! It is better than sex, better than drugs, better than anything I have ever experienced in my life. I should know – I’ve experienced at least 10 of the top 20 drugs that exist on the planet, and had more sexual experiences than a good sized village, and still, I’ve never come close to how I feel now. I know what I was yearning to reach in those drug and sexual experiences – yes I’ve had many great highs, plenty of wild wonderful nights and weekends but they were so fleeting, I could never ever hold on to what I really wanted…….
And here is the crazy part……
I wanted Freedom from that guy in my head who made me feel like shit !! When hearing it out loud like that, it really does sound crazy. But it feels true ! And if I couldn’t get total freedom, I would settle for at least some time off from him – Anything to shut him up for a bit.
But I couldn’t get away from the bugger for long – he just kept on talking. And some of it was such crap. I have no idea where he got it all from. Sometimes I wonder how the fuck I got stuck listening to him in the first place.
Ok, it wasn’t ALL bad, I loved to listen to his nice thoughts, the glorious and the creative ones, but I ended up listening to his limiting ones the most. I suppose it is understandable, the nice thoughts he liked to whisper all gently, but the limiting ones he reveled in shouting at me. I told myself the limiting ones didn’t affect me that much, but that was total bullshit. He loved to use me as an “emotional pinball” bouncing me around and around. Like a cat flipping a mouse about. His favorite way of getting the pinball game going was waiting to find the worst possible moment and then say…..
I don’t think that person likes you
You’re not very good at that are you ?
You haven’t got much to show for your life.
Those were his favorites. Who says those kind of things to somebody?!
Then the tension in my stomach would start, and with that, he knew it was Game On ! Now, all he had to do was bounce me around and see if he could improve on his latest high score.
God I hated him at times.
The only problem I had was – “That Guy” was ME ! Then the RELEASE came and it was like nothing else.
When it happened, I was nearing the end of one of my Think Love “QUEST for GREATNESS” coaching calls with my QUEST coach Gerry. He had been coaching me for about a month, having daily calls from the other side of the world. QUEST stands for Questioning, Understanding, Empowering, Strengthening and finally the TRUTH. And boy oh boy did I find out the Truth by then end.
The QUEST process started with Gerry facilitating me to get my thoughts out into the open. There was no holding back. We went right into the recesses of my mind where those limiting thoughts lingered and grabbed them by the balls. Then, I actually said each thought out loud, and put them down on paper. That actually sounds simple but when I first each time I came to do it, I felt incredibly embarrassed, pathetic like a real loser, sadness with a very deep feeling of being lost came over me, and I even felt child-like. You name it, I felt it. Here I was telling another dude, over a phone line, stuff I didn’t even like to discuss with myself most of the time! But it was all worth it by the end. Gerry created a safe secure environment where nothing I said would be judged, in fact quite the opposite, I was loved. The deeper and darker I went the more I could feel him love me. It didn’t matter how stupid I thought I might sound, how embarrassing the thought, how petty or dark, I still felt loved and honored and safe to share. Each coaching session varied between “Laser” focused 30 minute ones to sometimes up to 2 hours long. Time isn’t the key, it’s what you unearth that is. I consider myself to be a pretty successful guy on the whole, but even so, I was so surprised to find out the limiting thoughts I had about myself and the pain and suffering they were causing me. The one that was the catalyst, that changed my life forever, ended up being the most surprising thought of all. It was so far out of “left field” that I didn’t even realize that it was a limiting thought in the first place. This one particular thought was masquerading as an Assumption. An assumption that I actually believed was positive !! That’s how unbelievably cunning and deceptive thoughts can be. And I had created that thought all by my little self! Nobody else had implanted it. There was nobody else to blame.
During each coaching session, Gerry facilitated me to question each of my thoughts, taking me “down the rabbit hole” so to speak, to deeper and deeper layers. The mind is a funny thing. When I started to explore my thoughts I realized my mind (the thought pinball machine) wanted constant entertainment, FEED ME it shouted. It craved the stories I created about who I was and what was happening. It loved any bullshit. It didn’t care what, just FEED ME. It never got bored, especially if the same thought came up time and time again. Somehow repeating the same older thought was better than a totally fresh one. The old recurring thoughts had much more leverage, so they would bounce me around for so much longer. My Mind REALLY loved me being an emotional pinball – a self feeding perpetuating circle. Round and round it sent me. But once I understood that, I started to feel empowered, I could now do something about my thoughts. I started by observing my thoughts. Instead of feeling like I was an emotional “pinball”, being taken all over the place and constantly wishing the thought would stop or just go away, I started to BE the one playing pinball. Being the observer takes some practice. It is easy to fall back into the old way of being. As the weeks passed I worked with Gerry to help me build up the ability and the strength to keep being the pinball player now directing the game. Then there was this sweet moment when I started to enjoy the game, looking forward to it. That is an amazing shift to experience. But there was MORE…….
The RELEASE came when I told Gerry a thought that I had never said to anyone. I finally said it out loud and it was one I had been holding on to for a very very long time.
I said, ” I am angry at Catherina” (My great friend and business partner, also Gerry’s wife).
With absolutely ZERO judgment, Gerry then helped me to start to question that thought. No words can truly express what happened next. Here is the audio recording.
LISTEN TO THE MOMENT OF TRUTH
Intuition is taking us nowhere “Now-Here”
AFTER THE RELEASE
When I started QUEST I had just spent 2 years of being in the darkest place of my life. On the outside I maintained a facade of holding it together, but my inner turmoil was gigantic. I wasn’t sure what QUEST could do for me, but why not give it ago, I had nothing to lose, I had tried so many other things looking for the answer. I had read 100s and 100s of books; spiritual ones, religious ones, business ones, self help and health ones. I had tried loads of techniques, attended lots of different training courses on all manner of things, re-engineered myself in all sorts of ways, trying both western & eastern philosophies, new ideas, leading edge technology to ancient meditation, I tried different diets, workouts, careers, created various companies, experienced partners from different cultures, traveled extensively and lived in lots of countries, lived the fast paced city corporate life to having the life of a beach bum, CEO to washing dishes, I tried celibacy all the way to sex clubs, total carnivore to being vegan, drugs to not even having a drink, experienced raves and wild advent-garde life styles, through to yoga and retreats – But why oh why could I NEVER feel at ease, at peace..
Looking at this list I can see how that one Assumption of “I was meant to being going somewhere” has driven my life. I wouldn’t change any of it but what a RIDE it has been so far!
After my Release, I feel like a totally different person. I have noticed so many changes, too many to mention. But here is just one example of what happened this week I love to play racket sports. Bear in mind, before My Release the results in my matches were always so evenly matched. Eg, 5/4, 2/3, 3/2 But this week:
Table Tennis: 5/0, 5/0, 5/0 against 3 different opponents
Padel Tennis Doubles: 4/0
Never before have I had such results. My physical ability hadn’t magically changed overnight, my friends on the other side of the net were still the same and very competitive, the only thing that had changed was my relationships with my thoughts.The one thing I noticed was I didn’t care if I won or lost, I just was in the flow, bouncing around having fun. I wasn’t only willing myself on, in my mind I was willing my opponents on to. I could have played and played and played – just for the joy of it.
That’s not to say that the full range of thoughts don’t still come up – I’m no guru, I’m still human. In fact I feel there are no gurus. How can there be? We are all the same, we are all equal. I am the I AM. Everybody is the I AM. We are all the everything. But I like to think of myself now as a “Pinball Wizard”. I know my thoughts aren’t me. I continue to practice what I have learned, self QUESTing myself, getting stronger every day. Throughout my day I’m the one playing the pinball machine. When I have a “pinball thought of love”, it is a lot of fun keeping that loving thought bouncing around as long as I can – aiming for a higher score each time. I know the score doesn’t matter, I’m not competing with anyone, but it is loads of fun anyway. When I’m in the flow, suddenly extra love thought pinballs enter the game and now I’m really having fun bouncing lots of them around. If I see a “limiting thought pinball” pop out into the game, and they do, I observe it and consciously take my hands off the “flippers” so not to engage with it or keep it in play. It might bounce around a bit but all I do is giggle and tell that limiting thought in the most joyous and comical manner, “You’re making stuff up!”. And then the thought loses momentum and naturally finds its way down into the “Out of play hole”. Somehow that does the trick for me and I smile every time. Then I get back to playing pinball with the loving thoughts. What’s lovely is I get to make myself laugh throughout my day. Even the limiting thought makes me happy. BRING IT ON
So this me: I’m in a car and I’m going NOWHERE ! I am just here to have loads of fun with myself, while I am HERE, and if I happen to find lots of other I AMs to play with, even more the better. I am looking forward to playing with you, and if I can help you in anyway, just ask, as it will be my honor to help. After all, you are me as well. Because you are the I AM too.
all my love, hugs and snugs
aka The Booshk ( A Pinball Wizard )